Running Diary #2- its officially a gimmick now

AAAAAaaaaaannnnnnddddd were back. It’s been ten days, two snowstorms and too long since the lady who cleans the Easton Hall bathrooms has been to work. (For anyone who doesn’t live in a dorm- on weekends when the cleaning lady hasn’t been around in a while things start to get VERY messy. You can almost always count on one person puking into a toilet/sink and by Sunday Night the odor is worse then Kris Jenkins on two bowls of chulent. Now try having that marinade for 8 EXTRA days.)

As always this is for our sanity as much as your pleasure.

3:35- The TA’s have taken their posts, ready to strike if they catch a cell phone out or a computer surfing the web (I’m tempted to find the epic Greg Oden photo’s just to see the reaction I’d get from a TA glancing at my screen).

3:38- Teach opens things up by handing out a paper to the class with instructions for downloading an assignment. She then proceeds to read out loud to the entire class exactly what is written on said paper. This one ALWAYS pisses me off, why read to us something you just distributed on paper? Are we really not trusted to read a piece of paper anymore?

3:44- Lucky us we have a surprise guest today, a real actress! Anytime an actress who can take time out of her busy schedule to come to College Park you know she’s most likely out of work and desperate. My excitement level just went up a notch.

3:45- The actress starts things off by telling us, “she has experience all over the southeast.” Apparently I’m the only one curious as to what great theatre/film is being done in the southeast. You always hear about actors going west to Hollywood or east to be on Broadway but the southeast is a hotbed of undiscovered talent (the key word here is undiscovered).

3:50- The actress quickly loses most of the class by not saying anything remotely interesting. That usually does the trick. Conversation in my section has moved from what acting could this woman have possibly done in the southeast to weather.com and the possibility of another snow day.

3:55- Rumors are permeating the room that it IS snowing but not sticking, as usual there’s the guy who must explain to the group, “The key to the snow day is accumulation, unless it sticks WERE GOING to have school.” This is the same guy who makes sure to explain to everyone that there is no pass interference in NFL BLITZ. (I love how this person always tries to make having a snow day sound like a life or death situation.)

4:00- After some quality soul searching (AKA an internal debate about who makes the best chocolate pudding Swiss Miss or Snack Pack), I perk up for this beautiful line from our esteemed guest lecturer. “Actor is the only theatre artist that the audience normally sees”- (shut the fuck up, that can’t be true)

4:02- Gaining steam the actress drops this pearl of wisdom on a now stunned class- “We’ve all been people.” I don’t even have a joke for this one.

4:15-After a half hour speech I’m left with just one question. If the goal of your lecture was to explain how challenging it is to be an actor and all I can think right now is that there are basically no challenges at all, have you done your job?

4:16- Our guest closes with a Mission Impossible reference, that just sounds like another way of saying “I haven’t seen a movie in awhile.”

4:23- Just when this class seemed semi-managable chaos hits. First I got a text message. As I pull out the cell phone our female TA (who looks like she could play middle linebacker on the Maryland football team) pounces like Jonah Hill on the last Krispy Kreme doughnut in the box. Thinking she was only after my cell phone you can imagine my surprise when she gives me a “And I’ve been watching you, don’t think I haven’t seen that you haven’t taken a single note all class.”

4:26- Still in shock at the attack from Brian Urlacher. Hopefully she didn’t see any of the lesbian jokes I made about her, I only put them on my twitter to ensure that no one actually read them……

4:30- Class comes to a jarring end, after recovering from the initial barrage I’ve resolved to approach the TA after class and give her the business for daring to read off of my computer screen then embarrass me in front of the entire class. If I make it to next class I’ll see you then…

Failed Lampoon Submission

I tried out for the Lampoon last semester. They didn't take me. This is one of the pieces I wrote. Enjoy.

Dos Equis, everyone’s second favorite Mexican beer, seems to be everywhere lately. Their popular new commercial campaign features an endorsement from the Most Interesting Man in the World. The truth is that the M.I.M.I.T.W hardly gives a ringing endorsement. The best he can say about Dos Equis is that “I don’t always drink beer, but when I do I prefer Dos Equis.” This got the men at Sterling Cooper thinking about some other potential celebrity-endorsement deals. Expect to see some of these this fall season.

“I don’t always use condoms, but when I do I prefer Trojans.” – Magic Johnson

“I don’t always have much to do with low-level employees, but when I do I prefer to take things all the way.” – David Letterman on behalf of NBC Office of Employment

“I don’t always travel, but when I do I prefer the hospitality of Switzerland” – Roman Polanski on behalf of the Swiss Tourism Agency

“I don’t always carry a firearm, but when I do I prefer the safety of a Glock 9mm. – Plaxico Burress

“I don’t always talk much with scientists, but when I do I prefer the brilliance of females.” – Larry Summers on behalf of Women in the Workplace


I wrote this in October. An additional Tiger Woods-Cadillac joke seems in order, but I don't feel like figuring it out.

Also read this article today. Shocking news. http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/07/world/asia/07karaoke.html I found in this article what is likely my favorite line ever wrtiten in a serious news story. "Karaoke-related killings are not limited to the Philippines. In the past two years alone, a Malaysian man was fatally stabbed for hogging the microphone at a bar and a Thai man killed eight of his neighbors in a rage after they sang John Denver’s “Take Me Home, Country Roads.”

Thet110- AKA Intro to Theatre

3:31 Coming to everyone live from College Park Maryland, room 0226 Patterson Hall. After sitting through 3 boring Thet110 classes me and my partner have decided to spice things up by shamelessly copying the Sports Chap’s Running Diary concept. This is for our sanity as much as your enjoyment.

3:33- Having a computer in a class with more then 50 kids makes me feel like Ricky Williams holding a bong or Isaiah Thomas running a basketball team, nothing good is coming out of it.

3:34- I should take the time to explain that not only is this class taught at a High School level but also with High School rules. Anyone caught with a cell phone out earns an automatic ejection. Caught surfing the web earns you a warning, a second time and your thrown out of the game. The 5 TA’s patrol the class of roughly 120 kids while the professor lectures.

3:40- The professor kicks off lecture with an illuminating guide, entitled “How to read a play.” Her first bulletin point- “READ THE TITLE.” PURE GENIOUS I never would have started there. I know what your thinking and no my teacher is not Troy Aikman.

3:51- Starting to think they should rename this class Theatre for the cast of Jersey Shore.

4:00- Half-hour in and thank god were explaining the word plot, people were extremely confused.

4:03- I’m pretty sure that they plucked the teachers from this class right off the woman’s rugby team.

4:07- Waiting for Ma’vonte to raise his hand, he really knows how to get things going.

4:12- Apparently to be a Theatre teacher it’s a rule that you have to hate movies, it also wouldn’t hurt if you looked like Hilary Swank circa Boys Don’t Cry.

4:13- One of the rare times that I was just scanning the class for hot girls and thought “I would not be at all surprised if the TA behind me is doing the same thing.” It is the first time that the TA in question was a female.

4:22- Somewhere around the 50^th time I’ve heard Teach use the word dramaturge it started sounding a lot like “douche.”

4:23- Of all the things that happen during a given lecture, nothing causes mass confusion like a foul smelling fart. Every guy/fat girl immediately starts glancing around the section searching for someone to blame it on. Normally I’d join them but seeing as I was the guy who let it fly today I’m just going to ignore the smell and try looking innocent.

4:25- The under rated part of class thus far, our Teach has misspelled playwriting (she went with playwrighting) about 20-25 times and she’s still going.

4:30- With the class room at upwards of 80 degrees (it’s the only way Leon likes it) Teach has decided the move is to dim the lights. Vegas has the over under for kids falling asleep at 32.5, I’m taking the over.

4:37- Fun fact #143 when adapting plays written in other languages make sure to take it into account when reading the play. At this point I’m starting to question my existence, why are people so hell bent on attending College if most of what we learn means nothing or is extremely obvious? Waiting For Godot is making more sense then ever before.

4:39 First time I’ve heard a teacher describe a play as, “A sexy Greek comedy” roughly half the class just tried to Wikipedia it (Lysistrata for any curious folk out there)

4:42 Class comes to a jarring end, and a promise to continue with the sexy Greek comedy next week. (apologies to Ebony, your story will have to be postponed till a later date)

Jay Leno

If anyone was looking for an extra reason to hate Jay Leno, here ya go. Its one thing to steal Conan's show right out from under him (for further explanation see any one who has watched TV this past week they can give you the same regurgitated diatribe). What really pisses me off though is the fact that Leno shamelessly refuses to take any responsibility for his part in the coup. But fine I understand that Leno wants the Tonight Show back and he would rather be working at 11:30 then putting out his S**T fest at 10, thats fine. But the real kicker is his quote when describing what happened when NBC offered him the opportunity to return to the Tonight Show if Conan refused to move to 12. "Ya I'll take the show back if thats what he wants to do this way we can keep all our people working. Fine." Don't pretend like your taking back the Tonight Show to save jobs for your staff that insults our intelligence.

p.s- I wanna apologize to Ebony I'll get to your tale next time.

Inaugral Post

It's time to get this blog off the ground. First some links to explain our name and subtitle.

Colonial Williamsburg sound bite 30 Rock sound bites

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Mel Gibson's powerful post-DUI return. And finally Harrison Ford's frustrated character, a true inspiration. .

These clips should help explain our naming choice and our blog mission. We have nothing to lose and will be working around the clock, but please to don't show up expecting great stuff and leave disappointed and angry. Fair warning.

Moving on. Big Jets win Sunday and 24 is back, things are good.

This guy should easily win the World Beard and Mustache Championships. http://www.beardteamusa.org/btusa/burkekenny.html